Part of the process of bringing Magos ND into being is pushing myself WAAAAYYYYY past my comfort zone. Imagine, if you will, the bleacher seats at an aquatic animal show at a theme park (not that I endorse these practices, but for the purposes of the analogy): These seats are numerous, and rise up from the ground level close to the water all the way up to “nosebleed” seats. Now imagine you are the first to arrive to the stadium for the show, you are there in the moments before every other guest, and have the option to choose ANY seat, with just enough time to make an informed choice. Now, you could pick the close seat, which would, at first thought, be the easier choice–avoid the steep hike up the thousands of stairs, where you can see everything; but like every decision, there are drawbacks to this choice–there is a huge painted sign on the floor that says “SPLASH ZONE,” and you didn’t bring a poncho or a garbage bag, and everyone will be watching you. You could pick the nosebleeds–high above the action, you have the vantage where you could see it all, get perspective and space–but as much as you see, there will inevitably be the things that you miss, and then there is the issue of all those stairs! Or you could choose literally any seat in between, which will have some variance of these previously named issues. So, with all that consideration, and running low on time before the rest of the audience members arrive, which seat do you choose?
I chose to enter into medicine when I was old enough to be most of my classmates mother–that choice was a SPLASH ZONE decision; I sat front row, with some of the most brilliant minds and hearts that I have ever met, I let myself be molded and folded like an origami crane, letting my mentors, professors, colleagues, and patients push and pull me into becoming the physician I am today. In entering my residency, I chose a nosebleed seat; I put myself and my growth on hold so that I could take in the larger view and decide how I wanted to be in the world in this new role as a doctor. And now that I have brought Magos ND into the world, I have to choose the SPLASH ZONE again. I am here, building a website–coding it myself, with skills I learned in my first (second? .. no, first) career–agonizing over paint samples and blinds, and deciding which stories to share here for my patients and community to get to know me, my work, my dreams, and my passion for this walk of life I have intentionally chosen. I had a moment in this SPLASH ZONE where I didn’t want to share more, where I wanted to steer away from the pieces of me that feel incomplete, dull, or just plain “wrong”–but I will take this moment to tell myself something that I tell all my patients:
there is nothing wrong with you / there is nothing wrong with you being you, honest and real and raw and incomplete / it is a strength, not a weakness, to show up as you are / it is a strength to just choose a seat, not knowing if it is the “right” seat / choose the challenging seat, wherever that is in your stadium, and sit there and enjoy the experience / and when it is time to get up and change seats so that you can experience the show from a different place, you will